Parenting Tip #5: Explaining Consequences

We have a time-tested routine for discipline in our household. First we administer the consequences, this is typically a timeout, and then we follow this pattern:

1. We get down at eye level with our little one.

2. We ask her to explain what she thinks earned her a timeout.

3. We praise her when she gets it right. If she gets it wrong, we explain it to her in as simple a way as possible what her real offense was.

4. We have her repeat back what she just heard.

And then something wonderful happens. At this point she usually relaxes visibly and starts grinning or smiling. I'm not being sarcastic here, she really does. She knows what is coming next. She knows step #5, and it is this.

5. We give her a deep, reassuring hug and kiss and whisper softly into her ear that we love her so much.

We want her to know without question that our love for her is not contingent on her good behavior.I think I've written that down somewhere. It has been my hope that this will also help her realize that being put in timeout is not something I do because I want to. That it is not something I do because I am angry or mean or in a foul mood. That it has more to do with her than it does me.

Apparently I have been naive.

Something interesting happened this weekend, Sydney blamed me for her timeout! She didn't use those words exactly, but I know that's what she meant. I had to sit down and explain consequences to her.

Click here for larger, high definition version.

Disciplining a child in a consistent and patient manner is a real challenge sometimes. Mostly because I'm selfish and I just want my way immediately. But our girls are worth the time it takes and Dewdette and I try and keep each other accountable.

Parenting Tip #4: De-fussifying a Fussy Toddler

On Sunday, our younger daughter Savannah was thoroughly inconsolable. Now, I'd like to think that Dewdette and I are analytical people. I write software and she is a research associate for a bio-tech company. I do my best to eliminate virtual problems (bugs!). She does her best to eliminate physical problems (bugs!). Surely, SURELY between the two of us we should be able to properly troubleshoot a fussy 1 year old, right? I mean, it's not like she's our first kid. We've been through this before! It wouldn't be so bad except our weekend was packed with stuff to do. Both of us were running ever-which-way. The last thing we needed was a fussy one year old tugging on our pant legs all day long. Aside from being distracting, we wanted her to be happy! We knew something was wrong and we wanted to solve it for her.

In the latest video I cover all the stuff we tried, and what finally worked. I totally broke format and just talked into the camera. I hope you don't mind.

Parenting Tip #4: De-fussifying a Fussy Toddler from dewde on Vimeo.

This whole parenting thing gets a lot easier once they can talk. Ironically it simultaneously gets more complicated. Go figure.

NEXT: Parenting Tip #5 - Explaining Consequences

Parenting Tip #3: Setting Expectations

Kids are not like us adults. We adults like to be surprised. We love to be thrust into situations we don't understand and can't control with no warning or opportunity to prepare. But kids... they are different. Did I mention I am fluent in sarcasm? Well I am. I even joined the "I'm Fluent In Sarcasm" group on Facebook. How's that for street cred. A prepared mind is a happy mind, regardless of age.

As luck would have it, while I was shooting this video with Sydney at my local Super Target, I saw the worst case scenario I am trying to advise against actually unfold before me. I saw a young couple with a 3 yr old child. Out of respect for their privacy I did not record the incident although I was tempted. Imagine a fussy and unruly child squealing out loud as the background music for this conversation between them.

Mommy, recognition dawning, "No walk on that side of him so he doesn't see the toy aisle. We need to hurry past it."

Daddy, slow to respond, "Oh no. He saw. It's too late. Maybe if we just walk with him down one aisle."

Mommy, already exasperated, "Fine. But let's hurry. He's going to get louder." (who hasn't been here?).

At this point the parents speed-line the kid, who is crying "I want toy! I want toy!", through the toy aisle, with glossy plastic words on their glossy plastic lips, as if everything is completely normal with this situation.

In this parenting tip I suggest a way to diffuse this problem.

Parenting Tip #3: Setting Expectations from dewde on Vimeo.

Now, I know not all kids are the same. I don't promise this works for all ages. However I do believe in the underlying principle. Helping make your children's world as predictable as possible will make tremendous progress towards a calm and happy kid.

Set expectations early and often. They deserve it.

NEXT: Parenting Tip #4 - Defussifying a Fussy Toddler