Yelling With Your Body

My family and I were having dinner recently and while we were eating I looked over just in time to notice Sydney, who is 8 years old, making a very hostile face at one of her siblings. I had very little doubt that the sibling in question had been annoying her on purpose but the face she made was more than stern, it was actually threatening. Her eyebrows were fierce, her face was pinched, and her upper body shook with anger. Her reaction was exaggerated, and in my opinion extremely disproportionate to the offense. She looked downright mean.

Naturally, I corrected her. "Sydney, there is very little difference between showing a mean face at someone, and saying mean words to them. I'm glad you chose not to yell with your voice, but yelling with your body language isn't the answer either."

I sent her to her room, then I went up after a few minutes to talk to her. I wanted to do some good, honest listening. It's easy to skip that part. So I listened, and when it was appropriate I reaffirmed what I said before I sent her to her room. I want her to remember that her body language has a volume just like her voice and with any luck she will forget that she learned how to abuse her body language from me.

Never Forgive And Forget

I often find myself baffled at phrases that get knocked about as if they are good. Even more confusing is when I discover a new way to inspect a phrase I've been using my whole life, and upon closer observation, I suddenly realize it's been harmful all along. One such phrase, that I've recently "seen anew," is forgive and forget.

What a horrible piece of advice.

Forgive

The first part of the phrase is worthy. Forgive. Yes, this is something I want my children to carefully consider when they've been wronged. It is noble work, forgiveness. It is both selfless and self serving at the same time. Let me explain.

I've heard it said that when a person is wronged something is taken away from them. Maybe it's trust or security. It could be a friendship or even emotional wellbeing. Whatever it is, a debt is created between the victim and the offender.

Well, when someone extends forgiveness they open up the very real possibility that they are relieving the guilty party of a burden they rightly deserve to carry. If compassion is the motivator then this is a selfless act in which the victim puts the needs of the offender before their own. In this way the victim can take a bad situation and reclaim it for good.

Choosing to forgive helps the forgiver, too, because unforgiveness festers. It is malignant.

Not forgiving is like swallowing rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.

–Anne Lamott

Holding onto unforgiveness, in many cases, causes no burden on the offender and extreme anguish for the victim. What a terrible, unjust trade. In a sick way the perpetrator is able to effortlessly re-victimize the person over and over again, year after year, in new and unimaginable ways.

Forgiveness is both selfless and self serving, it is powerful and can unlock healing in either party should they choose to do their respective part.

Forgive And Remember

Here is an important point I really want my kids to remember. There is a difference between forgiving a person and putting oneself in danger. Some think that forgiving a person is synonymous to pretending the offense never occurred, hence the saying “forgive and forget.”

What a load of crap.

It's not only crap, it's a dangerous notion and I reject it outright. Despite popular opinion a person can exercise forgiveness without introducing further risk. I believe the art of forgiveness is more about the victim's state of mind than it is about them re-extending an abused trust.

Forgiveness is akin to canceling a debt, and while this is true, it does not infer that all parties make decisions as if the debt never happened. For example, let's look at the concept of debt in more familiar terms: monetary. If someone took a loan out from me, subsequently could not pay it back, and I decided to cancel the debt, I would still, rightly, hesitate before lending the person money again. The balance of the loan can be completely forgiven, with no ill will or animosity, and I can still choose not to lend more money.

The same is true in relationships.

Sydney, Savannah, and Elliot,

I want you to be forgiving people. Extend crazy forgiveness to others. Let it be known! Furthermore, be ready to extend healthy doses of forgiveness to yourselves for the mistakes you will surely make in life.

As you seek out ways to express your forgiveness please know that you don't necessarily need to put yourself in danger to fulfill it. Protect your minds, your bodies, and your spirits.

Don't forgive and forget, forgive and remember. Keep a balanced perspective. You may very well be required to trust again, and that is OK too. Just be sure you are giving it from a position of health and not sickness.

Are you eating rat poison and waiting for the rat to die? Now would be a good time to make a change.

I Have an Announcement

There is a conference that I've attended for the past few years called WordCamp. The sessions cover a wide variety of topics but they are tied together by the common thread of "everything WordPress." This year I am stepping off the sidelines and into the game. I will be one of the speakers!

Bio for Chris Ames

Chris is the product midwife for a startup in Atlanta, GA named 8BIT which, somewhat ironically, makes WordPress products and not video games. His writing endeavors include chronicling his company’s escapades on the blog, creating technical documentation, and copywriting for product sites, newsletters, and web marketing initiatives.

In fact, the entire 8BIT team will be joining in, sharing expertise, learning from others, and building relationships within the super-awesome WordPress community.

Wrestling The Writing Muse Down To The Dusty Earth

My session will be around writing, content generation, and strategy. I'm really passionate about online publishing, and I write a good bit, but I don't write here on my personal blog as much as I would like.

As part of my talk I want to explore ways to become a better writer and online publisher. A lot has been said on this subject and I aim to bring my audience with me as I test some of the prevailing theories.

This Is One Such Test

One of the tenets of good writing that I have experienced, but not tested thoroughly, is that writing begets writing. Good writers don't merely think about writing, they actually write. Usually on a schedule. The concept is that writing is like a muscle and we can choose to exercise it, and experience growth, or ignore it and let it atrophy.

I've been doing this more and more lately on the 8BIT blog, but that's not enough. I want to push myself. Actually, committing to writing 5 times a week on the 8BIT blog is pushing myself so why not double it?

As part of my experimentation and preparation for the talk I will give I am setting the goal of writing 5 days per week on my personal blog as well!

*gulp*

Writing Gives Away

I still believe in the spirit of my blog here as stated on my about page, "This will be a place to document [my family's] epic victories and stunning defeats so that [our children] can learn about us and I can grow from the reflective process inherent in writing."

Writing is an expression that "gives away." When I write, especially online, I am able to share with others, share with a future version of my children, and share with my present day self. I get to grow from the reflective process inherent in writing and that pays dividends to my family and myself for years to come.

It's worth the investment.