Parenting Tip #2: Thanks For Asking

At some point between the ages 2 and 4 our kids realize that sometimes they should take matters into their own hands, and sometimes they need to ask us for permission. When one of our kids rightly asks us for permission to do something, my wife and I thank them for asking. It's a small thing but one which warrants attention I think. The things that go in the "ask first bucket" are usually there for a reason. Sydney knows she can go potty without asking. She can refill her cup with water without asking. But she cannot go upstairs without asking and she cannot go out into the garage without asking. She is only 3 years old, and these last two have the potential to impact her safety. She has known these rules for a long while now and she is very good at keeping them, but we do not want her to forget they are still important to us. In order to reinforce the rules and help keep her invested in following them, we try to always thank her for her thoughtfulness.

I made a video to illustrate. Sydney was beside herself with joy and cheesiness as she recited her line with me.

Parenting Tip #2: Thanks For Asking from dewde on Vimeo.

When your little one acts in a conscientious manner make sure to tell them so! They hear "No" and "Don't" and all sorts of negatives day in and day out. Never miss the opportunity to reinforce the positive for a change. They so totally drink that stuff up.

Don't you?

NEXT: Parenting Tip #3 - Setting Expectations

Parenting Tip #1: Walk Away

My wife and I try our best to parent with purpose. It's sort of a hobby we have together. We read parenting related blogs, science journals, books, etc. We've also been fortunate enough to stumble upon parenting methods ourselves. One of these is The Walk Away Technique. It applies mostly to toddlers, but we still use it for Sydney who is almost four years old. Please don't expect anything too earth-shattering here. It's the simple things that really catch our attention as parents and this is extraordinarily simple. My pastor, Andy Stanley, says there is cumulative value in routinely investing a small amount of time into something over a long period. And this principle certainly applies here. The power isn't in doing it once, it's in making it a routine.

I put together a video to illustrate.

Parenting Tip #1: Walk Away from dewde on Vimeo.

As I said in the video, the key point is to provide your toddler an alternative to the behavior you want them to avoid. I don't believe that merely telling them to stop, or not to touch something, or to just say "No!" are adequate, especially in the very beginning which is formative. Obviously, sometimes just saying no should be enough. It depends on the toddler's stage of development. Still, I believe the usefulness of defaulting to a "walk away" directive in most cases cannot be overstated.

Another thing to notice is my tone of voice and language. Oh, if only I could be as consistent with those two things as my girls deserve. I'm not. One thing Dewdette and I do well with, however, is addressing our girls with respect. You'll notice I said, "No Ma'am." We want to teach our girls to be respectful to adults and to use Sir and Ma'am. A general rule in our house is to model the behavior we expect from them whenever possible. Therefore, we address them with the same manners in which we hope to be addressed.

"Yes Ma'am, you may have grape jelly on your sandwich."

"No Ma'am, don't touch that. Please walk away."

If I'm being honest, Sydney hasn't quite caught onto the words yet. Not when talking to us anyway. But we haven't been bullies about it, either. We believe showing respect is more about tone and body language than specific words. And when Sydney is disrespectful our first inclination is not just to have her use different words. It's to start over and try again with a nicer tone, body language, AND words.

What is remarkable, though, is that Sydney copies us in how she interacts with Savannah, her 1 year old little sister. That is, she treats Savannah like we treat Savannah. For example, if Savannah walks up and grabs Sydney's Barbie, or crayon, or doodle-board, the first thing you hear Sydney say is...

"Savannah, no Ma'am."

Or

"No Ma'am Savannah, crayons or not for babies. Mommy! Savannah has a crayon!"

It's amazing to see a 3 year old treat a 1 year old with respect and kind words. But it's not surprising, she's just copying her parents. That's what kids do. So once again I'm back to the principle that if, as parents, we want Sydney and Savannah to grow up with certain values or habits or characteristics... the place to start is not with them, it's with us.

So there it is. The Walk Away Technique and also a little dose of respect. Two things we feel are working with our kids. Do you have any tips or insights into parenting? Have you read any good books or seen any good videos lately? Please share! I can use all the help I can get!

NEXT: Parenting Tip #2 - Thanks For Asking

Blind-sided By a Social Worker

Have you ever seen a young 2-3 year old child go ballistic in a public place? I'm talking about a complete Chernobyl-quality meltdown? I remember witnessing this once when, in lieu of Sydney's regularly scheduled nap, we were out shopping as a family. I hope you didn't miss that tricky bit of foreshadowing. While we circled the store like birds of prey intoxicated by the scent of cheap children's wear, an already tired Sydney became more and more exhausted and cranky. She was systematically reaching critical mass, and she was telling us, but we were ignoring the situation because we are model parents.

Finally, her escalating protests convinced us it was time to leave. As I stood in the checkout line Sydney's cries of frustration reached the same audible level as the store's PA system, so I squatted down and got really close to her face, you know, in order to rationalize with her. At this point she promptly struck me in the nose. Before I could react it was our turn at the cash register so Dewdette picked her up and carried her out of the store.

Ironically, we were in the middle of reading a book called Scream Free Parenting and we had been trying to follow the advice of the author (Hal Runkel). One thing he hammers home is that we, as parents, need to keep our cool and be calm and consistent. Raising our kids is an emotional endeavor, but if we can't get control of our emotions, what gives us the right to expect our kids to control theirs?

I walked out of the store with our loot and found Sydney absolutely hysterical and Mommy being cool, calm, collected and firm. She had deduced that trying to drag a hysterical 2 year old through a busy parking lot alone was not a safe option, so she had restrained Sydney by putting her in a make-shift timeout corner formed by the exterior of the store. I stood back and let her handle the situation. At this point we could have both managed to man-handle Sydney safely into the car, but Mommy was trying to wait her out and calm her down. In fact she kept repeating just that, "Sydney, please calm down. Calm down honey. We're going to stay here, and you are going to stay in the corner, until you calm down." Meanwhile Sydney was doing everything in her power to get out of that corner. She was screaming, flailing her arms, pushing herself away from the corner, and kicking her feet. Mommy was consistently keeping her restrained to the corner and repeating her words. Sticking to our guns and waiting for her to run out of gas seemed like the best option to me, too, so I stayed out of the way, but close enough to help if needed.

And that's when we were blind-sided by the social worker.

"Excuse me," she said. "I'm a social worker and I'm also a parent, so I have experience with this, and I just want you to know that technically what your wife is doing right now is considered child abuse."

It is amazing how this woman had found the exact right combination of words to turn my brain and my tongue to complete pudding. By the grace of God alone Dewdette did not hear her.

She continued, "Now I'm not saying that as a threat, I'm not going to report this, but I just want you to know so that you and your wife can make better decisions in the future."

Somewhere in the pudding I managed to find the words, "So now we're not even supposed to restrain our children in public?"

"Oh I'm not saying that," she protested, "I'm just saying that this sort of thing should be handled privately in the home. Also, you and your wife should consider taking some parenting classes. You can find more information about them on the government website."

And then she left.

I have two regrets concerning this whole ordeal. The first is my part in creating the situation. The bible talks about making sure we don't exasperate our children, and I think that is terrific advice. After the tears and crying and feeling like we were run over by an emotional garbage truck, we were able to stop and legitimately reflect on the situation. We realized that we had made an unwise decision to take Sydney shopping at the exact same time that her body is programmed to be sleeping. We pushed her past her limits and that is our fault.

My second regret is that I was so blitzed by this woman that I followed her advice immediately. I took over with Sydney, picked her up kicking and screaming, carried her across the parking lot, forced her into her car seat and strapped her in. She went totally ballistic trying to get out of the car seat all the way home. It was unsafe, unwise, and traumatic on the whole family. In hind sight I can think of several safer alternatives.

I'm not here to slander social workers. They perform many needed services to our community. I'm also not here to have you tell me we were right and she was wrong. This isn't a compliment fishing expedition.

What I am here to do is help you avoid making the same mistakes I have made. In this case I know I made a few and I do not care to reproduce them. Dewdette and I made a family rule that day and as silly and shallow as it sounds on the surface, here it is.

Being good parents is more important than shopping.

Only in America, right? We've applied the underlying principle to our lives also. Which means we have skipped out on doing many things that would have been fun so that we can keep our girls happy. Being a parent means making sacrifices and we don't regret that.

So what about you? Have you traded in an opportunity to be a good parent for something much less important? I'd love to hear about it.