The Dishwasher and the Jerkhole

My friend Alvin, the conservative vegetarian, says the Internet doesn't need another blog that deprecates men. I'm going to do my best not to, however when I score an Olympic gold medal in the 100 Metre Jerkhole, I'm going to say so. Otherwise I'll just end up doing it again. The scene begins with me loading our yuppy dishes into our yuppy dishwasher in our yuppy suburb of Atlanta. You can see already that I'm a real person, with real problems. I stood there putting in plate after plate, getting more and more hacked off by the minute. My wife had already loaded most of the dishes before me and I was just topping them off and finishing the job.

The problem is that Dewdette and I were raised to load a dishwasher in two distinctly different ways. Obviously I think my way is "right." So as I was putting those last few dishes into the dishwasher, the correct way (cough), I couldn't stand it anymore. My inner jerkhole came out to play.

"Why do you insist on loading the dishwasher this way?" I demanded.

She didn't respond.

"Don't you know when you do A, B, and C it causes X, Y, and Z?" I continued impatiently.

Still silence.

"And have you even considered points 1 and 2? I mean... Come. On." I concluded with an exasperated grunt.

I was in a crappy mood. I don't remember why but I had probably stayed up too late the night before toying around on the Internet or playing video games. I'm extra cranky when I'm tired.

Once I finished spewing my word-vomit, she looked over at me and said something that cut me to the core and completely disarmed me. In a quiet voice she said,

"The way you are talking to me right now makes me feel like this is the most important issue to you in our marriage."

Just thinking about it now, as I type this, I can almost feel the wave of guilt wash over me again.

Immediately, I knew she was right.

Immediately, I knew I had to apologize.

I mean, I love our marriage! And I am well aware that we have significant issues that we are working out and making progress towards... but for crying out loud the dishwasher thing isn't even on the radar! What was I thinking?

Sydney and Savannah,

I don't know who you will marry one day. I don't know if you'll marry a selfish jerk like me, or worse. Maybe years of being exposed to my outbursts and temper tantrums will turn you into insensitive jerkettes.

I do know this. If you are in the wrong you should apologize as soon as humanly possible. And if your spouse is in the wrong please, please, please confront them about it in a quiet manner like your mom did with me here. I'm a work in progress. Chances are, your husbands will be too. How you handle yourself with them will either bless them or curse them.

This is just one example, out of countless others, where your mother's grace towards me has helped me get to a place I should have been all along. I'm so thankful for her.

Love, Daddy

Eventually, later that day, I did apologize to my wife. Let's assume that it's as easy and fun for me to apologize as it is for you. It's not pleasant, but it is necessary.

So what about you, reader? Has your inner jerkhole come out to play with your unsuspecting spouse lately? Go apologize. Or have you been the victim of a drive-by word-vomiting? Did you handle it with character or did you vomit back?

It only takes one to break a cycle.

Be the one.

My Wife Gave Birth to an Uncarved Block

This is something I wrote a year ago, shortly after Savannah was born. I didn't really have a blog then so I am reposting it here. August 10th, 2007

I am now a father. Again. Our newborn daughter is 3 weeks old today.

My wife and I were driving the other day and she made the comment, "Our new little girl is an uncarved block." Apparently that is one of the concepts from Taoism that she remembered from studying The Tao of Pooh. We start out like an uncarved block of some sort and we are shaped and formed through our upbrining, our environments, and our life experiences into the people we are today.

I think this is true.

Does she know what love is? Does she know hatred? Compassion or mercy? Envy, jealousy, or anger? I don't mean does she understand the concepts on an intellectual level, that would be silly. But does she feel any of these things?

I don't think so.

I think at this stage of her life she really only feels generic, high-level emotions and feelings. Like comfort and discomfort. Or satisfaction and dissatisfaction. She is really rather selfish this way. All newborns are, it's a matter of survival for them.

So it's up to us. My wife and I, I mean. To model for her the advanced concepts surrounding how to deal with complex feelings such as love and hate and mercy and justice. This is our responsibility that we welcomed and looked forward to before we even decided to have her. This is not our burden, this is our joy.

But as I reflected on all this it occurred to me that I too was once an uncarved block. And the decisions I have made throughout my life have contributed to my current shape and form. It is not just our environments, our upbringing, and our experiences that shave layers off our block, we too have a hand in the sculpting process. We have influence and on a spiritual level, I believe we are accountable for it.

How I wish I could uncarve certain areas of my character. Or better yet, if only I could re-carve them. I could go around as Dewde - The Re-carved Block. Need a little less selfishness? No problem! How about some extra forgiveness towards others? That would be splendid. Let us not forget humility and benevolence. Never more in short supply!

My wife and I are very deliberate in our parenting. We know we are not the only sculptors that will be chiseling away at our daughters as they move from uncarved blocks to beautiful works of art. We hope and pray that Jesus will play a pivotal role. We hope and pray that their friends and family will do them justice. And we hope, with all our hearts, that they themselves will pick up their chisels and desire to work on themselves as a lifelong process.

All we can do is point them in the right direction and model it for them ourselves.

Note: I realize I have completely butchered Taoism and the principle of the Uncarved Block. My only excuse is that I'm a Christian, not a Taoist. I mean no offense.