Rape and Coffee

Today I want to talk to my daughters about grace. I almost don't like the term grace because its many definitions render it a poor communication tool. In Christian theological circles, grace is considered unearned favor in the proverbial eyes of God. But that's not the kind of grace I'm concerned with here, although it is similar. Instead I'd like to make a case for human grace, or good will, as a default position to take towards others. And not only that, but even into areas where someone has provoked an attack on you with ineptitude or outright foolishness.

I think the best way for me to make a case for this is to reflect on two events in my past. One in which I was badgered into showing grace against my will, and the other in which I was shown grace I had clearly not earned.

I don't remember the specific occasion, but one night in my early college years I was out with my close friends having dinner in a really crappy seafood restaurant. Our waitress sucked. I mean SUCKED. It took her forever to take our orders. When she finally took them, we waited an eternity for our drinks. When we finally got our drinks, she didn't return to the table the rest of the night. After an excruciating wait some other servers came and delivered our food. Naturally, I was hacked off. I wanted to go back into kitchen and get my own refill, a statement I've made before with delicious satisfaction, but my friends had me trapped in the booth.

Eventually we finished our dinner and got up to leave. I took great pleasure in keeping my tip but that wasn't enough to satisfy me completely. I was going to go and fetch our sorry, good for nothing waitress AND her manager and chew them both out. I was notorious for being an ass. Well, my friend Ginger wouldn't let me. She kept pushing back and saying not to worry about it and everyone has bad nights and blah blah blah. Ginger is one of these frustratingly nice people. Too nice sometimes. For whatever reason I let it go and we all filed out of the restaurant. Ginger was last.

I remember waiting in the parking lot and Ginger took her time coming out to rejoin the group. Finally she did, she had recognized the hostess as a friend and she stopped to mention our lousy service. The hostess told Ginger that our server had been raped earlier in the week and the only reason she was at work was because she was trying to get her mind off of things.

And the Tool of the Year Award goes too...

Fast forward a year. I'm working my first serving gig at Cracker Barrel Old Country Store. I've been doing it long enough to feel pretty comfortable carrying around big trays of food and beverage. My customers are seated and looking over the menu. I take drink orders and return with a pot of piping hot coffee. I'm doing it right, you know? I have a circular tray in one hand and the other is firmly griping the pot's handle. I reach out and pour two cups and as I return the pot to my tray, it lands wrong and begins to wobble. I tighten my grip and clasp the pot and tray together, and thankfully I don't drop the pot.

But.

However.

As it were.

My violent over-correction causes a huge splash of steaming hot coffee to arch out of the pot and down onto my customer's newborn baby's face.

The dining room stands still.

The other patrons, and my coworkers, watch in hushed tones as the young parents interlace soothing the screaming infant with assessing the damage. I don't remember one word I said, or even if I said any. I just remember standing there feeling this... this... indescribable feeling in my chest. Eventually I get an unimpeded view of the multiple, large red blotches swelling up on the baby's forehead and cheek.

I've heard it said that the dominant thing in a person's heart is what will come out when they are squeezed. This young father, whose kid I had just burned, never gave me so much as a harsh word. He could have come back and found me any day after that for months and he didn't. I'm sure some of it had to do with him being more concerned with his child than me and my incompetence, but that only goes so far I think.

Sydney and Savannah,

This world is a messed up place. Some people have been chewed up and spit out. Some are merely careless and irresponsible. My hope for you both is that your gut reaction is to extend good will, in the form of patience and understanding, during the significant and mundane moments of your life.

I'm not asking you to be doormats. In fact, in matters of premeditation, or where you've been deceived, I expect the opposite. I want you to be shrewd and uncharitable. In these matters err on the side of justice and firm boundaries.

I used to think the path of least regrets for me was one in which I let justice rule the day. I used to think I was obligated to hold others accountable for their actions no matter what. I no longer believe that. Now I feel more obligated to choose grace over justice, even at times when it might seem unwise. By justice and by grace I have grown as a man. Both are appropriate in different circumstances. But only one can be the default position.

I choose grace.

Love, Daddy

Have any of you had occasion to give or receive grace? Do you have regrets in either direction?

Parenting Tip #1: Walk Away

My wife and I try our best to parent with purpose. It's sort of a hobby we have together. We read parenting related blogs, science journals, books, etc. We've also been fortunate enough to stumble upon parenting methods ourselves. One of these is The Walk Away Technique. It applies mostly to toddlers, but we still use it for Sydney who is almost four years old. Please don't expect anything too earth-shattering here. It's the simple things that really catch our attention as parents and this is extraordinarily simple. My pastor, Andy Stanley, says there is cumulative value in routinely investing a small amount of time into something over a long period. And this principle certainly applies here. The power isn't in doing it once, it's in making it a routine.

I put together a video to illustrate.

Parenting Tip #1: Walk Away from dewde on Vimeo.

As I said in the video, the key point is to provide your toddler an alternative to the behavior you want them to avoid. I don't believe that merely telling them to stop, or not to touch something, or to just say "No!" are adequate, especially in the very beginning which is formative. Obviously, sometimes just saying no should be enough. It depends on the toddler's stage of development. Still, I believe the usefulness of defaulting to a "walk away" directive in most cases cannot be overstated.

Another thing to notice is my tone of voice and language. Oh, if only I could be as consistent with those two things as my girls deserve. I'm not. One thing Dewdette and I do well with, however, is addressing our girls with respect. You'll notice I said, "No Ma'am." We want to teach our girls to be respectful to adults and to use Sir and Ma'am. A general rule in our house is to model the behavior we expect from them whenever possible. Therefore, we address them with the same manners in which we hope to be addressed.

"Yes Ma'am, you may have grape jelly on your sandwich."

"No Ma'am, don't touch that. Please walk away."

If I'm being honest, Sydney hasn't quite caught onto the words yet. Not when talking to us anyway. But we haven't been bullies about it, either. We believe showing respect is more about tone and body language than specific words. And when Sydney is disrespectful our first inclination is not just to have her use different words. It's to start over and try again with a nicer tone, body language, AND words.

What is remarkable, though, is that Sydney copies us in how she interacts with Savannah, her 1 year old little sister. That is, she treats Savannah like we treat Savannah. For example, if Savannah walks up and grabs Sydney's Barbie, or crayon, or doodle-board, the first thing you hear Sydney say is...

"Savannah, no Ma'am."

Or

"No Ma'am Savannah, crayons or not for babies. Mommy! Savannah has a crayon!"

It's amazing to see a 3 year old treat a 1 year old with respect and kind words. But it's not surprising, she's just copying her parents. That's what kids do. So once again I'm back to the principle that if, as parents, we want Sydney and Savannah to grow up with certain values or habits or characteristics... the place to start is not with them, it's with us.

So there it is. The Walk Away Technique and also a little dose of respect. Two things we feel are working with our kids. Do you have any tips or insights into parenting? Have you read any good books or seen any good videos lately? Please share! I can use all the help I can get!

NEXT: Parenting Tip #2 - Thanks For Asking